


The Man I Can Be

by hysteria



Series: One Slip of the Knife [5]
Category: Whitechapel (TV)
Genre: Low Self Esteem, M/M, Self Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-25
Updated: 2012-09-25
Packaged: 2017-11-15 00:51:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hysteria/pseuds/hysteria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emerson's found the connection of the murder locations and between victims, but can he find the location of the murderer or will his feelings for Chandler get in the way?</p>
<p>[Warning - Contains self harm and other triggers]</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Man I Can Be

Kent isn’t early for work like he normally is, he barely even makes it in on time. Much to the surprise of Riley who tuts then shakes her head before giving Kent a gentle smile. Kent sits at his desk and continues making notes, trying to pin point the whereabouts of the next murder, or the whereabouts of the murderer. He decides not to tell the others about his connections, both from fear of rejection from his DI and wanting to prove a point that he’s worth being a member of the team.

His connections with the victims all point towards their backgrounds. They’ve all been convicted of some kind of crime, but none of them were sentenced for it. They got away with it. It’s the only connection Kent can make with the victims, he can’t connect the reason why they were chosen. None of them knew one another, nor worked in close proximity to pass each other by. They didn’t even live in the area. 

Kent’s mind hurt from over thinking, so sits back in his chair. His eyes subconsciously gaze over to his DI sitting in his office discussing the case with Miles. The entire team are no closer to finding the murderer than when they first started. Kent realises this then smiles to himself before thinking, “I’m going to be the one to find him, to solve the case. To make everyone realize what a great DI Joseph Chandler and his team are. This time we’ll catch him and we wont be the laughing stock of the police.”

The only connection he can make with the murder locations is that there are churches near all five sites. Kent can’t understand what significance this has to the locations or to the victims, but it’s the only thing he could connect. Kent sighs then gets up to go make himself a cup of coffee and to go outside for some fresh air. On his way out, telling Riley he’s going for a quick break, he takes his notes with him - unwilling to give up quite so easily. He finds a bench near the smoking area and sits down rereading his notes whilst sipping his coffee.

Kent’s unable to find anymore information through his notes the more and more he reads them and in the end he throws the notebook across the courtyard that he’s sitting in. The notebook is sprawled all over the damp concrete floor. It’s sits there, with its pages blowing about in the gentle breeze as Kent buries his head in his hands. The cuts on his thigh pulling slightly with the way he’s sitting and Kent can feel the blood of some of the newer cuts seeping through his bandages.

Turning his head slightly he looks at the notebook then stands up to walk over and pick it up. The pages are damp and bent but there’s one page in particular that Kent notices. Something he hasn’t done before, as he was never looking for it. The notes he made when half asleep at home are scribbled on the back in tiny handwriting, but there’s one word that’s in bold, ‘MORGUE’.

Kent can’t remember writing it, but he sits back down on the bench and rereads his notes. His notes reveal another connection, one that the others may have overlooked as it was not the first thing that would have come to mind. Draw in rough on a tiny printed out map, Kent has the 5 murder locations plotted each connected by two lines that intersect one another almost in a ‘T’ formation, revealing what appears to be a religious cross.

The location where the two lines intersect had a circle around it, St Bartholomew’s University of Nursing and Midwifery and the hospital. “The morgue!” cries Kent, throwing his arms up in the air. “Of course, Buchan was right. Only those trained to see it will see it, just like Llewellyn could see it. Someone trained to find the cause of death, a pathologist.” Kent says aloud to himself.

Excited with his newfound connections, Kent reminds himself not to tell the others as he makes his way back to the office. It’s not difficult hiding his excitement as the moment he walks back into the office, Chandler is standing by his desk annoyance visible on his face. “DC Kent, where have you been? Riley said you went for a break but that was over an hour ago” Chandler says sternly. “Sorry s-sir” Kent stutters, “I-I went to talk to Buchan. To see if he had any past cases similar to ours.” Kent stares at the DI for a few moments before Chandler walks back into his office, sitting down at his desk and dabbing Tiger Balm onto his temples.

Kent looks over at Riley who gives him an apologetic look, Kent replies with the shake of his head as if to tell her ‘Don’t worry about it.’ He sits back down at his desk and continues reading through a file he never got round to finishing as he was too busy finding the connections to the murderer. He skips his lunch break to finish reading the file, he knows it’s pointless to do so, but he doesn’t want Chandler to have a go at him again. Each time Chandler raises his voice at him the ache in his chest starts to weigh him down and Kent finds it difficult to breathe and keep the tears at bay.

Kent longs for the end of the day just to get home and almost sprints out the door as soon as the shift is over and the DI lets them leave. When he’s finally home, Kent immediately resorts to his method of distressing. Grabbing the bottle of Jack Daniels from the plastic bag he bought on the way home, he removes his jacket, trousers and tie then sits on his bed with his notes. Drinking almost a quarter of the bottle in one go, Kent rereads his notes. Making sure everything adds up before he rushes into anything and compromises himself and his team.

As the night passes by, the more whiskey he’s consumed and the drunker he is becoming. The words on his notepad become increasingly blurred with each gulp of the whiskey. It’s 4am Sunday morning when Kent finishes the bottle and his drunken mind decides that he’s going to visit the hospital when he wakes up. The progression of his investigation into finding the murderer, and perhaps stopping the next victim should there be one. “I’ll show Chandler the man I can be” he says aloud in a slur, “I’ll show Chandler that I am a good detective”.

Saying Chandlers name aloud makes him increasingly aware of his feelings for the man. How the way he dresses makes Emerson look up to him and how he respects, and even mimics, the way he arranges his watch, phone and pen. Then it hits him, this overwhelming emotion that hit him a few weeks ago, the same deep emotional pain that caused Emerson to start hurting himself to get rid of it and to control himself.

“Why can’t he see it” Kent whispers as tears start to well up in his eyes, “I understand him better than the others. I can help him, make him see how happy he can be.” Emerson lies back against his pillows, clutching his thigh as thoughts of Chandler run around his mind as he drifts off into an uneasy sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I was intending this to be six updates long, but I think there's a bit more to come yet!  
> I hope you're still liking it so far.


End file.
